Basket of Thoughts

I’ve been meaning to write on here for the past several days, but I just hadn’t.  I told myself yesterday that I was going to write either last night, early this morning before breakfast, or per myself being the procrastiNATER, at some point after breakfast. So here we are, after breakfast, the last possible option I gave myself writing. The main purpose of it was going to be actually about how I have really enjoyed what has become sort of a routine now, where on Saturday mornings I will have breakfast with some of my family and best friend, who really is just a brother/son at this point. It’s been nice and I look forward to it each week. That was going to be about the jist of what I was going to write initially too, but when I signed on, there was a blurb at the bottom there was a question that asked what would you do if you won the lottery? So then, it got me thinking about that. I had many thoughts on it, and not just what I would do but how there are stories of people that have won the lottery and shortly after have absolutely fucking nothing and are almost worse off afterwards. It made me sad but it also made me very thankful because I am quite confident that wouldn’t be the case for me. I’m not one to go spending money on a bunch of random bullshit. I’ll spend it on experiences such as vacations or something like that but primarily what I would do is pay off all my debts and start clean. Of course that depends on what the lottery winnings are, but usually it’s multi millions, so, yeah, it’d be enough to give me a surplus after paying my debts. I wouldn’t go jumping into quitting my job or anything like that. I would keep working until I knew I would likely be good without, which realistically I probably would be but I would want to keep a steady income while I had my money being active, meaning being in stocks and such. Perhaps, I would just focus on passion projects such as this and writing in general. I also wanted to bare myself and open up on some personal stuff just to provide an example of faith or some of you may find it to be just pure coincidence but I think of it as much more than that. Since the passing of my father in law over the course of time things got tight for me financially. They still are honestly, as they are all across the country for other people as well, so I know I am not alone on this in general. I greatly underestimated the income my wife earned for caring for him until about a few months in. I knew when he passed I would carry the burden and I was more than happy to do so, in fact I wanted nothing more than to do that. My father had done it for my family so I felt that is how it should be in a way as well. I knew how much he meant to her and that it would be devastating and would be very hard for her. It still is but she did start working again a few months back so that has been helping. The holidays were difficult for her and she missed some time from work due to her having a hard time. Not long ago she opened up to me one morning as I was getting ready for work and was letting me know she wasn’t sure if she would be able to keep working where she is now due to the pay and such, I understood completely but at the same time was panicked as I don’t tell her if I need money because I want to be able to do it but I was already falling behind and nervous about some bills needing to be paid. I broke down and told her of my financial worries as of late. While I was at work that day, she didn’t hesitate in taking action. She got into looking for some assistance somewhere and we she found a program that helps people in certain cases and they paid off one of our bills we were worried about! It was a huge relief. It brought me closer to the realization that there is a God. I always tie in that He was with me the whole time when I was in South America and I can relate it to this situation as well. I’m not the kind that will ever ask for assistance on money. I would rather be homeless and dying in a gutter before I destroy my pride asking for financial help in any way. I broke my pride in desperation when I was in South America at the end of my trip when I had absolutely no choice because I lost my only debit card there. Other than that, I don’t ask for it. In fact, when my wife was earning, caring for her father she would just give me some money, I will take it if given, when I need it, haha, but I won’t usually initiate in asking for it. Due to this, I likely incur more harm to myself than anything else but it also brought me to the conclusion that no body knows you better than God does. I say this because there were many times during last December in the shower, when I was worried about bills, on top of wanting to provide some sort of Christmas for my wife, I prayed, sometimes in tears, asking for God to help me. So, here we are, a huge burden of a bill I was very worried about being paid, getting paid, and helping me get the ship righted again. I mentioned no one knows you better than God because of the fact I feel he answered my prayer in the way He knew how because He knew I would never ask for help so when I told my wife, He guided her to those that helped us. It brings me back to the subject of this whole thing and that is being thankful, and I am for a God that loves me, despite of some of the horrible things I have said, written, and thought at times about Him. I think of some of that stuff now and feel guilty. I find it odd that I would ever truly come to this conclusion and believe it but as I think of how things have turned out over my life, I can’t think of any other logical explanations other than the help of angels and if there are angels, there has to be a God. I’m thankful there is.