Basket of Thoughts

I’m never going to get excited or look forward to something ever again. I’m seriously fucking cursed. I’m not meant to have things turn out as I would like. Never! I was really excited about all the possible things I was going to do. All the places I would see but thus far, I’ve gotten nowhere it feels. I’m in the main station of heading towards Macchu Picchu and it is just a cruel joke. I can’t afford it. I can’t really afford the bus back to Lima for when I need to get home. I went on this trip to relax a little and enjoy myself, do something on my own for once. This is what has happened now, I’m stressed and not enjoying myself. Most disgusting of all to me is what I’ve discovered about myself. I have zero responsibility skills it seems. I can’t budget anything. I can’t walk as tall as I would like. I now see what sort of thing that makes me hideous in the eyes of women. Once they know about this lack I have, they most likely want nothing to do with me regardless of how well I may treat them, it doesn’t matter. Women want men who can be responsible with money. I simply never have been and probably never will be. Anyway, I’ve learned most importantly right now that I shouldn’t bother looking forward to anything I feel will make me feel good about myself. It either isn’t going to happen or whatever it is will just fade away. I feel like I’ve just had anything of potential in my life be ripped away. I don’t think I’m going to be the same when I finally get home.

Looking back at this I sound like an entitled punk. It’s a bit bizarre to me because I don’t feel I’ve ever tried to be or come off as entitled. I was in a bad head space back then clearly. I can say that I did learn the value of patience and to always expect the worst. If you expect the worst it’s that much more gratifying when things turn out well. Patience, well if I hadn’t found patience I would probably still be single and would never have met my wife. Patience was what helped to make our relationship work and I’m better off for it. I wouldn’t take back this trip I had for anything but I wish I could have told my younger self that it’s ok. Life is a grind and you will fall many times but you just gotta get up and dust yourself off and get back to it. I feel like our society pushes our youth to high standards. I think it’s unhealthy to rush young adults into careers and pushing them to go to college and if they don’t well then you’ll make less. That’s not always entirely true. If I can give someone that may be young who is reading this any advice it would be to listen to yourself. Do what you really want to do. I’m regretting that it’s taken me this long to try to start doing it because it takes hard work. If I had started earlier and having confidence in myself sooner, then perhaps I would be on my way to living my dream. Needless to say, I strive forward and encourage you to not make my mistakes and start earlier. You will get your break. I’m hoping to get mine and won’t stop now until I do.