I broke down last night and bawled my eyes out in my room. It all hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m by myself all alone in a different country. I was very worried in my own mind. I had the horrible thought that I will be trapped here. I don’t think my friends or family would allow that. I just hate having to ask for money, especially when everyone is under the impression I am on vacation. I suppose I am in America’s eyes. If you don’t work for 5 weeks you’re on vacation. This hasn’t been viewed in my eyes as a vacation. To me it has been something I needed to do for my own mental health. 5 weeks was just a random number of weeks I conjured. I haven’t even gotten into another country yet. This upsets me. When I come back everyone will want to think I did a lot of things but the truth is that I haven’t. I have simply just traveled to a different country at this point. Nothing more, nothing less. I hope I can be able to do some amazing things within my remaining 23 days so it’s worth people listening to.
This particular entry as well as the one that will follow, is what I refer to as baring my soul. I remember how horrible I felt and I genuinely really thought that I would be trapped down there. My muscles had ached from crying so much. Crying can be related to rain in a sense because once the rain is gone the sun usually comes out. After crying, it seems like your mind freshens up and at that time I was crying because I was legitimately upset with myself and worried like all hell that I was trapped. I felt helpless and even prayed. Nothing really helps you find some sort of faith faster than pure desperation. I found that out on this day. After I had gotten my tears out of the way, my mind had cleared and I told myself what I have always told myself. It will work itself out. I also want to touch on the time of my trip being 5 weeks. When I had planned it, it was a random number of weeks but should have been sufficient for my original ambitions for this trip. As I reflect on it now, part of it may have been in my subconscious mind as that was the same amount of time that my father had taken us on a cross country trip when I was younger. I’ve always found it interesting in retrospect. The funny thing is that trip was far from perfect as well but those are stories for another time. Right now, it’s all about my own personal voyage. I refer to it as not being a vacation and doing it for my mental health which I still stand by. Simply for the fact that I know all too well that nothing will drive you mad quicker than a shattered heart. It’s a double edged blade because it drove me to go on this crazy adventure yet I would never wish that feeling upon my worst enemy. Sometimes the biggest pain isn’t what people can see but the pain that stabs your brain and makes you go insane. That’s pretty much how it happened and how I found myself in this mess. Onward.
Basket of Thoughts 