Basket of Thoughts

Thoughts from my mind to the internet

July 5th, 2007 3:19 P.M.

Nathan Smith

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December 19, 2019

Well, things are starting to get bizarre. It might be a pain in the ass getting to Puno now as there is some sort of strike going on making land travel in that direction difficult. I met a couple cool Canadian girls, Terra and Kim. I met Terra first, then Kim the following day. Terr and I had an immediate musical connection. It started when the club played “Killing in the name of” by Rage Against the Machine. We were busy rocking out to it and then started to talk. There is a possibility of going with them to Puno if this strike doesn’t prevent it. This trip has just gone awry from the get go so I won’t be surprised if this falls through as well. I was supposed to meet them today for lunch and after we were going to go to the travel agency and try to get going to Puno. I unfortunately got lost finding the place we were supposed to meet and was about 20 minutes late. I missed them and I’m quite angered about it. If it’s meant to happen then it will I suppose. I also met a cool English guy named Will. He is staying at the same hostel as me and he knows the girls as well. Hopefully, I’ll see him later today and maybe they will go out for dinner again. I don’t know, I’ll just have to see what happens. Even though the travel hasn’t gone as planned I have been able to meet some really great people. It just sucks knowing that we will only know each other through our travel time and not after. Who knows? Anything is possible if we keep in touch with each other. Either way this has definitely been a social confidence boost to me. I wouldn’t take this trip back for the life of me despite some previous hardships. Everything works out in the end.

If you noticed, this entry was a few days later from my last one. I think I hadn’t written in my physical journal because I had been blogging as well on my Myspace page. I wish I could find a way to get those blogs as well as some other writing I had posted when that site was still functional the way it had been. For that, I’ll give Facebook a big fuck you for being a big reason for the demise of what I feel was a better social network. I’ll digress from that for now. I’m sure you are thinking that what the hell is up with this kid??? He already got blown off once by some fellow travelers why the hell is he trying again? Well, truth be told it was for companionship. One of the several things I learned from this trip and looking back on it is that it may not be the destination of where you’re at but the company of whom you’re with. One thing I started to learn while I was there was that a lot of travelers go the same route through the continent. They all go to the same places it seems and you’ll see some reflection on that as this journey goes further along. I mention going to Puno because from there you can go out onto Lake Titicaca which is the highest navigable lake in the world at 12,500 feet above sea level. You may be wondering, dude what happened with the financial situation? Well, I’m not going to tell you right now because I go into detail on that in one of my entries coming up and I don’t want to be redundant unless it’s called for. I can’t recall the full details on what the strike was about as far as traveling down to Puno but there was some sort of dispute that was causing issues with getting down there. Thankfully, it was resolved quickly…

July 2nd, 2007 10:45 A.M.

Nathan Smith

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December 19, 2019

I feel this pen and paper are my only friends right now. 22 days left to go. That’s a long time it seems. I think I’m going to have to make an outcry for funds. I haven’t quite given away how low I am on them. It will be a shameful blog for me to post it it comes to that, which it probably will. I would camp out if I could but I don’t think there are any safe places to do so. This trip is becoming more of a burden to me than anything. I’m quite worried of being stuck out here. Someone has to help me from back home though, right? I’m a fool for taking this trip and thinking everything would go as planned. It almost feels like a bad dream right now. Without money this trip is no longer fun, it is simply a slap to my face. I just wish that someday something will finally turn out right for me.

I remember how lonely that hostel was. Way up on what might as well been a fucking mountain seeing that the cab couldn’t get up to the top. I had to reiterate that story due to the fact that I still can’t believe it myself. It was in the outskirts of the city of Cuzco. It was a nice view, I can say that and it was a cheap, yet very nice, quaint room but the lack of social life there made me quite lonely. The fact is that my pen and paper were my only friends at that moment. If you’ll gather anything from this trip, it was what I can only describe as bi-polar as things take an interesting turn in the next few days…

For the Generous

Donations graciously accepted but not required.

$0.50

July 1st, 2007 6:30 P.M.

Nathan Smith

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December 17, 2019

I’m never going to get excited or look forward to something ever again. I’m seriously fucking cursed. I’m not meant to have things turn out as I would like. Never! I was really excited about all the possible things I was going to do. All the places I would see but thus far, I’ve gotten nowhere it feels. I’m in the main station of heading towards Macchu Picchu and it is just a cruel joke. I can’t afford it. I can’t really afford the bus back to Lima for when I need to get home. I went on this trip to relax a little and enjoy myself, do something on my own for once. This is what has happened now, I’m stressed and not enjoying myself. Most disgusting of all to me is what I’ve discovered about myself. I have zero responsibility skills it seems. I can’t budget anything. I can’t walk as tall as I would like. I now see what sort of thing that makes me hideous in the eyes of women. Once they know about this lack I have, they most likely want nothing to do with me regardless of how well I may treat them, it doesn’t matter. Women want men who can be responsible with money. I simply never have been and probably never will be. Anyway, I’ve learned most importantly right now that I shouldn’t bother looking forward to anything I feel will make me feel good about myself. It either isn’t going to happen or whatever it is will just fade away. I feel like I’ve just had anything of potential in my life be ripped away. I don’t think I’m going to be the same when I finally get home.

Looking back at this I sound like an entitled punk. It’s a bit bizarre to me because I don’t feel I’ve ever tried to be or come off as entitled. I was in a bad head space back then clearly. I can say that I did learn the value of patience and to always expect the worst. If you expect the worst it’s that much more gratifying when things turn out well. Patience, well if I hadn’t found patience I would probably still be single and would never have met my wife. Patience was what helped to make our relationship work and I’m better off for it. I wouldn’t take back this trip I had for anything but I wish I could have told my younger self that it’s ok. Life is a grind and you will fall many times but you just gotta get up and dust yourself off and get back to it. I feel like our society pushes our youth to high standards. I think it’s unhealthy to rush young adults into careers and pushing them to go to college and if they don’t well then you’ll make less. That’s not always entirely true. If I can give someone that may be young who is reading this any advice it would be to listen to yourself. Do what you really want to do. I’m regretting that it’s taken me this long to try to start doing it because it takes hard work. If I had started earlier and having confidence in myself sooner, then perhaps I would be on my way to living my dream. Needless to say, I strive forward and encourage you to not make my mistakes and start earlier. You will get your break. I’m hoping to get mine and won’t stop now until I do.

For the Generous

Donations graciously accepted but not required

$1.00

July 1st, 2007 4:20 P.M.

Nathan Smith

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December 16, 2019

I broke down last night and bawled my eyes out in my room. It all hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m by myself all alone in a different country. I was very worried in my own mind. I had the horrible thought that I will be trapped here. I don’t think my friends or family would allow that. I just hate having to ask for money, especially when everyone is under the impression I am on vacation. I suppose I am in America’s eyes. If you don’t work for 5 weeks you’re on vacation. This hasn’t been viewed in my eyes as a vacation. To me it has been something I needed to do for my own mental health. 5 weeks was just a random number of weeks I conjured. I haven’t even gotten into another country yet. This upsets me. When I come back everyone will want to think I did a lot of things but the truth is that I haven’t. I have simply just traveled to a different country at this point. Nothing more, nothing less. I hope I can be able to do some amazing things within my remaining 23 days so it’s worth people listening to.

This particular entry as well as the one that will follow, is what I refer to as baring my soul. I remember how horrible I felt and I genuinely really thought that I would be trapped down there. My muscles had ached from crying so much. Crying can be related to rain in a sense because once the rain is gone the sun usually comes out. After crying, it seems like your mind freshens up and at that time I was crying because I was legitimately upset with myself and worried like all hell that I was trapped. I felt helpless and even prayed. Nothing really helps you find some sort of faith faster than pure desperation. I found that out on this day. After I had gotten my tears out of the way, my mind had cleared and I told myself what I have always told myself. It will work itself out. I also want to touch on the time of my trip being 5 weeks. When I had planned it, it was a random number of weeks but should have been sufficient for my original ambitions for this trip. As I reflect on it now, part of it may have been in my subconscious mind as that was the same amount of time that my father had taken us on a cross country trip when I was younger. I’ve always found it interesting in retrospect. The funny thing is that trip was far from perfect as well but those are stories for another time. Right now, it’s all about my own personal voyage. I refer to it as not being a vacation and doing it for my mental health which I still stand by. Simply for the fact that I know all too well that nothing will drive you mad quicker than a shattered heart. It’s a double edged blade because it drove me to go on this crazy adventure yet I would never wish that feeling upon my worst enemy. Sometimes the biggest pain isn’t what people can see but the pain that stabs your brain and makes you go insane. That’s pretty much how it happened and how I found myself in this mess. Onward.

June 30th, 2007 7:48 P.M.

Nathan Smith

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December 13, 2019

I can’t help but think of home now. Only because of the sake of knowing it so well, also because I’m really worried about my finances. I feel ashamed knowing I haven’t done anything of which I had boasted so much about. I’ll be lucky if I see Macchu Picchu. I feel like I’ve really dug myself a deep hole this time. This is the first time that I can say I am completely homesick. The idea seems even more crazy about publishing this. I don’t really think many will find it entertaining. I feel as if I have lost the touch I used to have in writing as I feel my description is lacking. I don’t know, maybe I’ll get lucky somehow and someone will enjoy this. I sort of regret staying at this new hostel I’ve checked into. It is one that is out of the way of everything and a taxi can’t even make it all the way up here because it is so steep. I really wish I just had more to tell on this journey but due to my lack of travel I have had a lack of sights to write about. Lack of money is the biggest factor now. If I wasn’t worried at all about my funds I would be well on my way and traveling much more. I just hope I can get some financial help.

It’s interesting for me to read back on this. I can’t help but want to smack my 25 year old self upside the head. Lack of travel??? You flew out of the country you dumb shit some people barely leave the town they live in. Not to mention flew to a third world country. I do stand relatively firm on some lack luster detail in my journal but I am happy to detail it with memories that stick in my mind. I can’t recall why I had left the hostel I was at to this much secluded one but I’m guessing it was my attempt to save what little money I had. I also want you to know there is ZERO exaggeration when I mention the taxi couldn’t get to the top of the hill where the hostel was. The damn thing was sputtering and nearly rolling back down the hill. The cab driver finally gave up and just said he had to let me out there. To make you a little more familiar with Cuzco it’s over twice the altitude of Denver, Colorado if that helps to prove my point that I’m not exaggerating. I remember reading about how the air would be thinner due to the altitude but I never really felt it bothered me much. I wasn’t trying to run a marathon or anything up there either. I just felt if I was out of breath it’s because of hoofing it up one of the many hilly streets there. I also want to touch base on what I had been boasting about what I was going to do on my trip. My grand plan was to try to do a loop around the continent. I had planned to see Peru, Bolivia, Brazil, Argentina, and Chile. As you can tell due to the financial situation I was in, the probability of that all happening was low.

June 30th, 2007 3:14 P.M.

Nathan Smith

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December 13, 2019

Pulled an all nighter in Cuzco last night. It was stupid on my part as I know my funds are dangerously low. I can’t deny it wasn’t fun though. The hostel went out to a club and it was pretty busy. I saw a guy who was probably 5’3″ at best and looked very similar to Bob Marley. I met a woman name Dana who is currently living in Buenos Aires but is originally from New York. There was a guy hanging over her all night and she didn’t seem to keen on it. She thought he was nice and stuff but was just too attached to her. She called him “Koala” as she made a funny analogy saying “She was like the tree and he was like a koala clinging on the tree” I helped her a bit by sitting next to her for awhile when we got back to the hostel and started partying in the bar. If it hadn’t been for Koala I think I had a solid chance for at least a make out session with her. As much as I hate doing it I think I’m going to have to ask for some money… I don’t know how much I would need to keep me going another 3 1/2 weeks. I think that if I got smart and went into Bolivia then I would be ok if I could get $500. I’ll have to see about the payday advance thing and see if maybe I can get some cash that way. I’d probably only get a $100 if it works but maybe an angel will grant me a wish and allow possibly $500-700. That would be grand. Well, I think I’m going to go on the internet and try to get that payday advance.

I can recall the guy that looked like Bob Marley. He was having a good time and as I think of it now, was probably high on cocaine because he was jumping around a lot. He was a friendly guy it seemed but it was eerie how similar to Bob Marley he looked with the long dreads and even the same face structure. I don’t really recall having any conversations with him so to speak but he stuck out in my mind because of how he looked. I can’t recall so much as to what Dana and I had talked about either other than the guy that was infatuated with her. I’m curious on as to why I thought I had a chance with her in hindsight. Chance or no chance the real issue at the moment was finances and they were not good. I like to see myself as a person with pride so to have to beg for money from people back home was really just something I didn’t want to do. In turn, I discovered payday loans while searching around on the internet. It seemed like a viable solution and to be honest I didn’t give a fuck when I would pay them back I just needed money to get me through the rest of this trip. My flight was all paid for I just had to find a way to survive until it was time to catch my flight back home. Preferably without the assistance of money from back home. This was my burden to carry and I was young and strong.

June 29th, 2007 1:50 P.M.

Nathan Smith

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December 13, 2019

Now in Cuzco. Before I go into the details of the 20 hour bus ride, I would like to re-cap on some things I hadn’t mentioned earlier. A couple days before I left Lima, Grant stopped by The Point with his bike finally fixed up. I went for a short ride on it with him to a restaurant for lunch. It was my first time riding on the back of a bike and I was a bit nervous but we made it there safely. I had also befriended a couple really cool british guys. One was Mark who shared a good passion of music like me and we got along quite well. The other brit was was Tony. I liked him a lot as he reminds me of myself with the “I don’t give a fuck” type of attitude. He was also quite fond of Hunter S. Thompson which was great. He mentioned to me “Kingdom of Fear” one of his works that I will need to check out when I get home. I also met two british girls Isabelle and Annie. They were quite fun as well. Now onto the bus trip. It started out quite comfortable until the guy in front of me decided to get real cozy and lay his chair back, pinning my legs. That made for a quite uncomfortable ride. I felt as if my knees were in a vice grip. I dozed in and out of sleep getting maybe an hour at at time when I napped. I was just too uncomfortable. I got a kick of the narrow, winding mountain roads. The guardrails consisted of neon orange pylons with horizontal white stripes. There was no rope or chain connecting them. I was looking at certain doom in the canyon if the bus driver fucked up. I liked the thrill of it and the scenery was nice. It is nice seeing the sun as it never came out in Lima. Just everyday there was an overcast haze but it never really rained it would just spit a bit and that was all. I don’t think that I will miss Lima too much to be honest. I’m really worried about money now as I am down to $120 left in my account. Things are looking bleak with 3 long weeks remaining. I hope I can find a way to afford Macch Picchu but I’ll have to see what happens.

I remember one of the conversations that Mark and I had and he was talking about Richard Ashcroft. He is the lead singer of the band “The Verve” as well as a solo artist. It was Mark’s favorite musician and he told me the story of when he had seen him in concert. He was moved by the performance as at one point Richard had taken his shoes off and kneeled down on the stage with his arms outstretched a shoe in each hand. I can’t remember what song he had been singing but I can still recall Mark describing it. On another note, I still to this day haven’t read “Kingdom of Fear” and I’m not sure why. I think I need to change that in the near future. While I may have been fearful of purchasing coke, I wasn’t fearful of partaking. Tony was generous and shared some he had gotten. Let me tell you, that shit’s primo down there. We didn’t do a whole lot but with the quality of it down there you didn’t need it to talk the night away. Combine that with some alcohol and you’re looking at a socially primed machine. Tony and I had talked most the night away with Annie and Isabelle. All that talk though and I still couldn’t hook up. My issues are that I have never been good at making the first move. I also at that time had the high moral compass and sort of felt like you had to have some sort of relationship before hooking up. It took me a long time to understand that sometimes it’s ok to fuck and flee. I won’t lie I was hoping to go down there and have wild tales of sex but unfortunately none came to be. I know I took away from the suspense of my sex life down there by stating no hook ups. There were much bigger challenges that laid ahead for me though.

June 27th, 2007 8:53 P.M.

Nathan Smith

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December 11, 2019

Well, tonight is my last night in Lima. I am heading to Cuzco tomorrow by bus. I hope that I may be able to work at a hostel there to save some money. It would be for the remainder of my stay but I think in turn it could be quite fun and interesting. It may blog down this journal or maybe enhance it a little. I guess I’ll have to see.

It just dawned on me that along with my journal I was also at the time posting stuff up on my Myspace. Unfortunately, all those posts that were on there seem to be gone. I’m thankful I am able to pull some pictures off of it. There will be pictures I post but they are a little further along in this story, so please be patient. I do recall at one point when riding in a cab where I heard “New Sensation” by INXS and if my memory serves me right it was after buying the tickets for the bus to head to Cuzco. That song was exactly how I felt at the moment. I had a new sensation of excitement gearing up for my trip to Cuzco…

June 26th, 2007 9:40 A.M.

Nathan Smith

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December 11, 2019

Woke up just a bit ago and had a cup of tea. “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls is playing right now in the bar area of the hostel. I like the song quite a lot actually. I don’t really know what to write about at the moment. I just had nothing better to do I guess. I’m really worried at the moment. I only have $280 left in my account to last me 4 more weeks. Just gotta sacrifice a bit I suppose. I’ve kinda been a bit carefree with my spending which is dumb. I have to stick it out though. The philosophy on this trip has remained the same. In the words of my favorite author “Buy the ticket, take the ride.” I think it speaks for itself.

There’s that saying again. I was and still am a big fan of Hunter S. Thompson. If I had it my way things would have been much smoother on this journey but if that was the case there wouldn’t be a whole lot of entertainment in that would there? You may still be thinking to yourself only $280 to last another 4 weeks! Yes, believe me I felt the same way. Bear in mind however the ratio in Peru at the time was 3 to 1. I still wasn’t in a good spot financially. I got whacked fees every time I had to withdraw money so that added to my worries. So I may try to sugar coat that 280 is close to 900 but really with the fees it was still not a lot of money to work with. If you’ve stuck with me this far in this journey hang tight because the meat of this story is about to come. You’ll be witnessing me bearing my soul quite frankly.

June 25th, 2007 3:20 P.M.

Nathan Smith

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December 11, 2019

I talked to Veronica for a short bit last night and she said she would get a hold of me in the morning. I waited until almost noon and bailed. I am now lodged at The Point and think I will move onward tomorrow if I don’t bump into the girls later on to get some better details on a plan. I did get a nice surprise this morning though as I had a knock on the door and it was Grant. I thought that he had already left but I think he plans to leave tomorrow. I hope I meet some cool people at this new hostel but I’m not sure if I will… Change of thought on that as I got a good crack just now from a guy making fun of girls tennis by making the noise they make every time they hit the ball. Well, maybe it’s time to socialize a bit.

Well, it’s not going to be a spoiler because it is the last that they are mentioned in my journal but I didn’t end up bumping into Veronica and Eloise and we never ended up traveling together. I had been in the Lima area for full week at this point partially due to the fact it took a few days until my backpack finally arrived and also due to my own hesitations of traveling alone. I’m not sure why that made any difference though as I had gotten this far by myself. It was time to keep on keeping on with or without companions.

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